Jamie

ADHD Voices: CG

I grew up in a suburban town in the 80s and 90s, when ADD and Ritalin were only for rambunctious boys who couldn’t sit still. Not for smart, talented girls with quickfire brains who were destined to go places, who were lost in thought all the time and who couldn’t seem to not make silly mistakes on tests or ever clean their rooms or make any real friends, but that’s not a problem, right? If she’d just try harder it’d all be fine, right?

My undiagnosed ADHD was a problem all along, even if the adults in my life either didn’t see it or were in denial that it was anything other than my own poor self-discipline. It became a major problem when I went off to college and found things like going to class and starting homework to be absurdly difficult. I could barely manage Cs in most of my classes.

Mounting problems

I’d always had problems with this sort of thing, but nobody else I knew seemed to have these difficulties, and I didn’t understand why. But I hadn’t felt particularly attached to my major, so I transferred to another school closer to home and tried computer science. I had the same issues there, so I moved 500 miles away to be with my internet boyfriend and got a job. As it turned out I wasn’t any better at making myself go to work, pay bills, or even maintain basic self-hygiene. Plus the boyfriend was awful.

After I had a nervous breakdown, my dad told me that if I moved back home and tried college again, he’d pay for an apartment for me, so I did. I went to class for maybe a week before I fell into a deep months-long depression that scared my dad so much that he forced me to go to therapy and get on antidepressants.

This was around the time when all the kids I went to high school with were in their senior year of college and preparing to graduate. But I felt like I had missed some sort of “how to be an adult” class somewhere along the way. What I couldn’t understand was that if I was so smart and talented like everyone had always said, how was it that I was the one who floundered around, getting nasty voicemails from temp agencies I’d ghosted and avoiding opening the yellow bills I received in the mail? It must’ve just been that I was a lazy failure, right?

The antidepressants lifted my mood, and pretty soon I met my future wife (though at the time I thought she was my husband). We had a whirlwind romance and were married within 18 months. She and I were the best of friends but she was (understandably) very frustrated about being married to someone who couldn’t remember to do chores or pay bills. She didn’t understand why I couldn’t just do things, and I continued to hate myself because I didn’t understand why either.

The argument that changed everything

We eventually bought a house and later had a son who is fantastic. A few years into that part of life, my wife and I were arguing about how she’d never heard of anyone other than me who didn’t want to go on walks because they were boring.

In frustration I Googled, trying to find a defense, and found a forum where someone asked about this exact issue and a commenter responded, “Have you looked into ADHD?” I scoffed, but looked up the symptoms for ADHD, fully expecting to immediately rule them out. To my shock, I realized I matched nearly all the symptoms for ADHD-Primarily Inattentive. The next week, I told my therapist, “I think I might have ADHD!” and she responded, “I was starting to think that too.”

I went to my doctor, who after some discussion prescribed me a small dose of plain old Adderall, and I was astounded at the difference it made. Doing boring stuff wasn’t easy per se, but it was much easier for me to at least get started. I was much more mentally present at work and in conversations, and my wife said for the first time she could actually talk to me and feel like I was truly listening. And the weight of “lazy failure” finally started to lift, because I no longer had to view these things as a personality defect or a moral failing; it was a treatable mental health condition.

It has not all been smooth sailing since then. We got laid off from our jobs at almost the same time. Our house got foreclosed on because I forgot to pay the bill, a lot. I estranged myself from my entire biological family over a period of ten years, for reasons that could get an entire blog of their own. We moved to a new city in a new state. The first doctor I found shooed me away as a drug-seeker and it took me 3 years to remember to find a new one, which coincided with (for non-ADHD reasons) an extremely rough patch in my marriage. Eventually my wife came out as a woman, which prompted a lot of thinking on my part, and as it turned out I was nonbinary.

And I think I’m actually ADHD-Combined Type—I just at some point smushed all the hyperactive parts deep into my brain, or into small subtle body movements, so that they wouldn’t pop out and annoy everyone. But knowing I have ADHD has given me explanations for so much of my history, and I’d encourage anyone reading this who feels the way I felt to give the symptom list a glance. It might change your life.

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CG can be found as @boundariesmfer on Twitter

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ADHD Voices is a series dedicated to sharing the stories of folks like you and me who have ADHD. Posts in the series are written by guest authors, sharing windows into their lives and struggles, written by them, for you and me. If you’d like to share your story, please contact me on social media or through my email, ADHDsurprise @ gmail.com

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Book Review: Healing ADD

I read Dr. Daniel Amen’s “Healing ADD,” the 2013 revision of his 2001 book. Full disclosure, I actually listened to the unabridged audiobook. This was the first book that I read by recommendation after finding out about my own ADHD.

What stands out about this book?

Dr. Amen, through the use of SPECT scan technology, has identified seven distinct types of ADD. As a side note, he uses “ADD” where most experts I have read have transitioned to using “ADHD.” For this post, I will mirror the language from his book.

First, Dr. Amen shares the core symptoms for all types of ADD as: short attention span, distractibility, disorganization, procrastination, and poor internal supervision. Then he splits out from there, distinguishing the 7 types of ADD based on symptoms and SPECT scans.

Not familiar with seven types of ADD? Here’s a preview:

Classic ADD – Inattentive, distractible, disorganized, hyperactive, restless, and impulsive.
Inattentive ADD – Easily distracted with low attention span, but not hyperactive. Instead, often appears sluggish or apathetic.
Overfocused ADD – Excessive worrying, argumentative, and compulsive; often gets locked in a spiral of negative thoughts.
Temporal Lobe ADD – Quick temper and rage, periods of panic and fear, mildly paranoid.
Limbic ADD – Moodiness, low energy. Socially isolated, chronic low-grade depression, frequent feelings of hopelessness.
Ring of Fire ADD – Angry, aggressive, sensitive to noise, light, clothes, and touch; often inflexible, experiencing periods of mean, unpredictable behavior and grandiose thinking.
Anxious ADD – Anxious, tense, nervous, predicts the worst, gets anxious with timed tests, social anxiety, and often has physical stress symptoms, such as headaches and gastrointestinal symptoms; conflict avoidant.

Curious about which of the 7 types of ADD might pertain to you? If you’re not up for a SPECT scan at the moment, you can take this brief online questionnaire directly from Amen Clinics: https://addtypetest.com/

What makes this book useful?

Though I haven’t heard other experts speaking of ADD or ADHD divided into 7 subtypes, Dr. Amen has been very thorough in his research. The benefit you derive from that is that he has very specific recommendations for each type of ADD that he has identified. The beginning of the book is dedicated to sharing the core ADD symptoms and then helping you to identify which subtype or subtypes are impacting you.

Having that knowledge in hand, you can use this book to follow Dr. Amen’s recommended treatment course of medication, supplements, diet, and neurofeedback, with a specific plan for each subtype in each of these areas. So if, for example, you’ve got type 2, Inattentive ADD, you can use the book to find the exact treatment recommendations for you, including medication, supplements, diet, etc.

Beyond this, the last section of the book is full of tips that are useful for those with ADD, and people who work with those with ADD. The chapters dedicated to parents and teachers I found very helpful. I only wish my parents and teachers had had access to them when I was a child.

Some tips Dr. Amen has for treatment of all types of ADD:

Take a 100 percent multivitamin daily
Take 2000-6000mg of Fish Oil daily
Eliminate caffeine and nicotine
Exercise for 30-45 minutes daily
Limit screen time to 30 minutes per day
Do not yell at a person with ADD, it will only make matters worse
Test ADD kids and adults for learning disabilities
Never give up seeking help

What didn’t work for me

While most of the book was very useful, it was pretty clear that the recommendations given for the 7 types of ADD are contingent on you knowing which type you have. And although he does share the online questionnaire that you can take, nothing replaces the SPECT scan technology that he references throughout the book. In some ways, the book felt like a 400 page commercial for SPECT. I don’t want to discount the help it gave me, but to get the most value from the book, it’s clear that getting one is needed.

Final verdict

I actually found the book very useful. At the start of each chapter based on an ADD type he shared stories from real patients and their families. This made it easier for me to relate to what I was listening to. If I were listening again, I would use the book as a reference rather than a cover-to-cover read, targeting those areas of the book specific to my subtype(s). I haven’t gotten a SPECT scan, but reading the various sections of the book and taking the questionnaire gave me enough to feel like I was getting some very helpful targeted advice.

🧠🧠🧠🧠 4/5 Brains – Great Read

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If you are interested in purchasing Healing ADD, you can do so here on Amazon. And for further reading on Dr. Amen’s approach, you can visit his website at AmenClinics.com.

I am not paid or sponsored in any way through this post or the links I share. They are provided solely for the benefit of my readers.

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ADHD, Hyperfocus, and Fixation

Photo by Maryia Plashchynskaya on Pexels.com

Hyperfocus and fixation were two of the first words I heard associated with ADHD when I started learning about it. I’ve seen them used both distinctly and interchangeably. It seems everywhere I look there’s a different take on what they mean and how they’re related. So this week I dove in once again to really try to get a handle on these two terms so that I could write somewhat intelligently about them. Here are the working definitions I’ve come up with. Don’t worry, they’ve been vetted by Twitter – haha!

Hyperfocus: the ability or act of intensely focusing on an activity or task to the exclusion of awareness of time and surroundings.

Fixation: a topic, person, object, or activity that becomes the primary focus of an individual for days, weeks, or more.

I don’t claim to be in charge of these terms, but while I use them in this post I want you to understand how I’m using them so that I can speak clearly about them.

What hyperfocus looks like for me

So, why the confusion about the words? I believe it’s because they often show up together. While I can hyperfocus on just about anything if my interest level is high enough in the moment, I’m most likely to be found hyperfocusing on my current fixation. And while I may have a fixation that occupies much of my time and thought during a day, I may not actually be engaging in hyperfocus.

When I hyperfocus, I’m usually sitting. You will notice an intense level of focus and stillness. I won’t even be fidgeting. Frequently there is a screen involved, whether it’s a computer, television, e-reader, or smartphone. This was actually one of my “ah-ha” moments in analyzing my ADHD. When asked if I could sit still for prolonged periods, my automatic answer was, yes! But as I considered it, I had to add…if there’s a screen. Without a screen I can’t stop fidgeting to save my life.

One of the reasons that screens are so common to my hyperfocus ability is that whether a work project or entertainment at home, I’m most likely using a screen of some kind. So while a screen doesn’t have to be present for me to hyperfocus, it’s very common that there is one.

While I’m in hyperfocus I will completely lose track of time. I may play a video game for 6-8 hours straight, not eating or taking care of any other needs. When the hyperfocus is broken, typically by my partner returning home, I will often find myself very hungry and needing to use “the facilities.” As a kid I played The Legend of Zelda on NES all day long. When I was called to dinner I found that my thumb hurt. I’d developed a blister from playing on those unforgiving boxy controllers all day, but hadn’t realized the pain until I was called away.

Hyperfocus is double edged for me. If it’s a work project I’m excited about, I can research and plan and create for hours. But if it’s recreational, well, you’ve seen I can easily waste a day or more. I can’t necessarily control when hyperfocus will engage, but I can try to make it happen it by setting up a scenario where I have a chunk of time set aside for a project I’m excited about.

What Fixations Look Like For Me

When I have a fixation, you’ll know it. It’s pretty much on my mind all the time and all I want to talk about. Look at my internet history, my social media, ask me what’s new…you’ll hear about it. I don’t always have a current fixation. I have had many of them. Sometimes they will last weeks, months, and even years. When I do have a fixation, I can tell it’s more than “just another interest” by looking at the time, money and attention I give it.

Time: My fixation will be the first thing I attend to when I wake up and the last thing I look at/think of before I go to sleep. It will also occupy a lot of time throughout the day, typically 4-5 hours, but stretching to 10 or more on the most intense days. The fixation often takes precedence over family, work, church, values, and goals. It will encroach into work and family time.

Money: These high-interest fixations, combined with low impulse control, lead to me buying many things to “set up” or continue a new fixation. Anything related to furthering the fixation is considered a necessary purchase regardless of how much money is in my bank account. I have great collections of items stored in my house related to many past fixations.

Attention: Usually the fixation will be on my mind all day whether I’m actively participating or not. I like to make spreadsheets to track and plan. I’ll make notes in my phone app. I will learn all I can about the subject through research and study. I’ll engage in frequent periods of hyperfocus around the fixation. Despite typically having a terrible short term memory, when it comes to fixations, I can remember a high degree of detail, short or long term.

My Current and Past Fixations

Video Games
- Galaxy of Heroes mobile game
- Modern Warfare 2
- Final Fantasy 3/6, 7, 8
- Legend of Zelda
- Other Xbox games
- Cell phone games like Candy Crush
- Intellivision
- NES/SNES
Toys and Games
- Chess, both playing and coaching
- Magic the Gathering
- Legos
- Bowling
- Disc Golf
- Baseball, playing the game and collecting cards
Academics
- Reading
- Elementary school
- Standardized Tests
- Academic acceleration
- Computers and programming
- Writing (NaNoWriMo)
Personal/Relationships
- ADHD
- Dating
- My partner
- Sex
- Letter writing
Media
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- Music – listening
- Star Wars
- Cartoons
Food
- Eating in general
- Dieting
- Hardee’s Monster Burger
Other
- Working on cars
- Boy Scouts
- Barbershop singing
- Dinosaurs
- Family History

Each of these fixations lasted a minimum of several weeks. I am happy to talk about any of them at any time, because I’ve still got a good deal of knowledge about each one. If it’s a past fixation rather than the current one, it may cycle to the top or have a weekend or summer resurgence. Most of the time though they just kind of stay in the back of my mind and I think as fondly of them as I do my long-lost elementary school pals.

What has your experience with hyperfocus and fixation been like? Do these descriptions resonate with you? Does anything on that list sound familiar? Feel free to hit me up for a conversation about any of them. Happy to share.

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