Author: Jamie

At 37 I went to therapy and after two hours she asked if anyone had ever talked to me about ADHD. Surprise! I'm @ADHDsurprise on Twitter.

The Opportunity to Create a “New Normal”

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A couple of days ago I live-tweeted an Additude webinar called “ADHD Life: Reassessing Goals and Priorities after a Pandemic.” Since then I’ve continued to ponder what I learned from it and how the principles shared can help us as we continue to work through this life-altering shutdown. It’s well worth your time to listen to the whole thing.

Since a statewide shutdown due to Covid-19 was enacted in mid-March, my daily routine has completely changed. This includes the way I live, work, socialize, eat, play…you get the idea. Working as a school principal, I was used to commuting an hour each way. Because of the drive, I was getting up much earlier than I naturally do (5:30am- blech!). Having two hours of total drive time per day also allowed me ample time to listen to audiobooks. I probably went through 20 audiobooks during the first two-thirds of the school year. In the evenings I would return home, sometimes making it to family dinner, and sometimes not.

I now work out of our upstairs guest bedroom. I get to sleep in longer than I used to, and my truck has been sitting idle for nearly two months. I haven’t listened to an audiobook in that time, and I haven’t been face-to-face with any of my teachers or students, though I am still working with them every day. Work now consists of a series of daily Zoom meetings. And where I used to leave my office and walk through classrooms or run to help with a situation…all is now accomplished from my chair. So there are many days where I spend 7 or more hours simply sitting in the same chair in that upstairs bedroom staring at a screen while I do my work online.

Home and family are different too of course. My children no longer attend school. They are completing learning activities, some online, some not. But mostly they’re doing a splendid re-creation of Thing 1 and Thing 2 from The Cat in the Hat. Though we are surrounded by wonderful parks and beaches, nearly all are completely closed to the public. Restaurants and theaters are also closed, along with most stores. Life has basically become one long episode of Groundhog Day as we live and repeat the same, sad, quarantine routine every single day.

It’s time to reframe

I’ll admit that I’m grieving for the way life used to be, and I’ve spent many of these shutdown days sitting around wishing I could go do things I’m used to doing. This week my state governor extended our “stay home, stay safe” plan for yet another month and that hit me pretty hard. But then I was able to think back on this webinar that I’d watched just one day earlier, and I’ve got a much better outlook on things now. It all starts with reframing our situation.

Yes, this situation has dramatically altered our lives. And it’s not likely to get anywhere close to “normal” soon. So it’s time to accept that this is the “new normal” and figure out what’s next.

With work, we are no longer constrained by school buildings, traditional schedules, or even student groupings. It has opened up many new possibilities for tailoring instruction to students and giving teachers and students new opportunities to interact through technology that many had only heard about before. We are being encouraged to try new things, experiment with new ways of teaching and learning and connecting, and students and teachers alike have become more excited and engaged as they’ve begun to let go of how we used to do things.

At home the change has been slower. But I’ve come to the realization that being cut off from most of my regular routine means that I can literally create a new one. How many projects have I put off for years, and how many old hobbies did I give up simply because I didn’t have the time? Well time is something I happen to have a lot of right now!

So how do you start?

You’ve had virtually everything in your life cleared from the deck, and now you get to decide what goes back in, and what stays out. Start by dividing up your life into categories like these:

  • Health
  • Family
  • Finances
  • Social relationships
  • Fun
  • Career
  • _____

Once you’ve got what feels like a pretty comprehensive list, rate how you feel about your current status with each area. You could do this with numbers (1-5 as an example) or even with coloring a chart or graph where fuller and bigger mean better.

After rating each area, you can decide what to do about it. Feeling great about family? Perfect. Leave it as-is and focus on the other areas. Concerned about health? Perhaps you used to go to the gym but now it’s been closed for two months and you haven’t walked farther than from the couch to the refrigerator in that time? Why not start by talking short walks around the block? Do you miss connecting with friends and socializing as you used to? You could set up a video chat or a virtual game night.

Whatever you decide to do, remember that it’s not about setting and achieving goals. It’s about feeling better and finding peace and greater happiness in a pandemic. So whether you call it a goal or not, add in to your life things that will make you happy and let go of things that won’t. Find new ways to connect with friends and family members who you no longer get to visit. Work on a project that is fun and meaningful to you. Make plans to do things that you love that maybe you haven’t had time for in a while.

If you take stock of your situation you will find hidden opportunities that you’ve been missing. If all else fails, just try something new. And don’t worry about doing it perfectly. There’s power in simply doing. Jessica (@HowToADHD) put it best in song:

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ADHD Voices: Dan

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Hi, I’m Dan, a 44 yr old male from the UK, who was diagnosed with ADHD last year. This is my journey. 

Until recently I was foggy brained and burnt-out. Anxious and frustrated often by the simplest thing. Overthinking, catastrophizing, trapped in my head, either hyperfocusing or distracted. Being smart one minute, then struck dumb the next. As a teenager I self-medicated with cannabis. Academically I did okay (enough to get by), mainly because the courses I did were coursework assessed, with my coursework  usually completed last thing. School reports highlighted I was often ‘failing to meet my potential’ and ‘lacks consistency.’ My handwriting was awful – and still is. Like my brain was half a sentence or further ahead and my hand was rushing to catch up.  

This was MY normal. I’d seen therapists to discuss anxiety and stress – I also have IBS. However, since moving to a new country and having a kid, it became clear I wasn’t handling things as well as I had previously. Post diagnosis, I think family life and working in a dual language environment with a different culture exposed and crippled my  coping mechanisms. The impact of this had a significant impact on my life. My ups and down were trending downwards. Things at work started slipping more than usual and stress increased until a burnout made me look at things differently. 

Getting help and a lot of tests

It took some time, but, encouraged by my partner, I went back into therapy.

During one of these sessions we discussed ADD/ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. For me that conjures up images of young kids, usually boys, disrupting class. This didn’t feel like me, but after some reading it felt familiar. So I did a quick online test. The results all suggested getting tested. 

I found a place where they specialise in ADHD in Adults. There, they asked me about my life, issues, and medical history. I spoke with a psychiatrist who asked me more specific questions which I now understand are the DSM diagnostic criteria for ADHD. 

Then came the Qb computer test.  With a tracking band on my head I had to look at a screen. If I saw 2 of the same shape and also the same colour after one another, I had to press a button. I thought this would be the test that would show I was wasting everyone’s time. Colours, shapes. Easy. When I left the room 20 minutes later, I was tired out and my head hurt. Man, that was a lot harder than I thought. 

The next step was to take a pill and then go for some fresh air and come back in an hour for the same test. Then we’d compare results. About 20 minutes after taking the pill I felt calmer. Like I’d been on a zen retreat. I could focus more. The almost constant busyness in my head was more distant, quieter. My focus was sharper. 

I went back and took the test again. It wasn’t so hard this time. Following this test I sat down with a doctor and we looked at the results. The differences between the tests were dramatic. On some sections for the first test I was off the charts. Way above or below the average. The second test I was within the ‘normal’ (my words, not theirs) range.

Coupled with all the information from the assessments, I was given a diagnosis of ADHD-combined. This surprised me. I thought maybe, possibly mild inattentiveness.  Hyperactive too, really? Of course, for me it’s normal that my foot is tapping. That my brain runs a hundred miles an hour. Oh wait, I see now. 

Managing my ADHD

That was the diagnosis. The next step was to talk management. The centre I went to use medication and CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). The medication helps give you the space to work on the CBT. So we planned the first session. I was pleased to have what seemed like an answer and a path to manage my issues. 

I went home and ordered ‘Delivered from Distraction’ by Edward Hallowell. I read this over the coming weeks and find myself time and time again seeing things which to me were problematic but I figured just normal. I’ve now discovered many of these things are ‘common amongst people with ADHD’. The next few days and weeks were up and down and I was slightly emotional at times.  

I set up my twitter account and started following ADHD folks. I’m grateful to those who are sharing their journeys and offering guidance to others. This helped me process my own diagnosis. Folks like @HowtoADHD,  @blkgirllostkeys, @ADHD_alien, @DaniDonovan, @ADHDSurprise and countless others. 

Reading stories, I realised I had been lucky. For some folks, society’s bias meant they had not gotten the support they needed or they had a non-supportive health care system (yes, l am looking at you America). Looking back now, without realising it, I adapted and developed coping mechanisms to protect myself, which whilst not perfect, had, along with some white male privilege meant I’d got to 44 without major incident. 

Since the diagnosis, I’ve made changes, minor changes and am very much a work in progress. The main change being medication. I take dexamphetamine three times a day. This has helped calm my mind down and I’m less stressed about things. I explain it as the chaos in my mind is still there, but now it’s outside waiting in the car, not banging on the door. Within a week of starting medication my wife commented that my energy was a lot calmer. Who knew stimulants could calm you down. 

The CBT helped too. Understanding why I struggled with some things and what structures I’d need, helped. At present I’m out of work and the coronavirus has meant my schedule has been thrown with the family all being home. Now though, I’m more aware of needing time for myself and self care. My relationship is better because we discuss stuff and have a name for it. My awesome wife has unconsciously had to deal with my undiagnosed ADHD. But at least now, we’re able to communicate better.

I’m still learning about how to manage my ADHD but being aware of it helps. I’ve always been self-deprecating so that helps. I’m utilising technology to support me. I love my Apple Watch. I’m slowly joining the ADHD community online. All this helps. 

Some people say ADHD is a gift – that it makes you special – that’s BS. It’s tough, it’s painful, it’s nasty. The diagnosis is the gift, understanding you can’t use typical solutions on your non-typical brain. That helps. 

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If you’d like to connect with Dan,
he can be found as @RockstarMonk on Twitter. 

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ADHD Voices is a series dedicated to sharing the stories of folks like you and me who have ADHD. Posts in the series are written by guest authors, sharing windows into their lives and struggles, written by them, for you and me. If you’d like to share your story, please contact me on social media or through my email, ADHDsurprise @ gmail.com

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Looking for more great ADHD content?
Check out all of Jamie’s platforms:

Who to Tell About Your ADHD

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Whenever I’m struggling to come up with a topic to write about I invariably am led to a problem I’m currently dealing with. So first off, thanks for being my sounding board, and in return you’re welcome to any knowledge I find as I continue on this ADHD journey of mine. Today’s topic is about your circle of trust when it comes to your ADHD.

I’m coming up on four months since the day my therapist suggested that I had ADHD and I can confidently say that fewer than 10 people who know me know I have ADHD. About half are family, others are my therapist, doctor, and perhaps one or two folks online.

I’ve actually got a list of 15 more people that I intend to tell, including more family members, current and former employers, and others who are or were close friends. But I haven’t shared this with anyone new since I made a series of calls to a few family members a month or two ago. I seem to be stuck. I don’t know that it’s necessarily a bad thing. My circle is small and I trust it. If it were to expand, I may quickly hit that critical mass of people who have “the knowledge,” at which point I might as well be “out,” though I am not ready for that stage yet.

I ran a Twitter poll a couple of months ago asking who others had told, and the results varied pretty greatly:

What this says to me is that who you tell is entirely up to you and the circumstances you are in. There is no right answer here except what is right for you. So let’s look together at things to consider regarding sharing or not sharing.

Why shouldn’t you increase your circle of trust?

My quick answer to that is it’s not necessarily necessary. No one has a “right” to know you have ADHD. As of this moment I’ve mostly reserved sharing it on a “need to know” basis, and it turns out there are very few people who legitimately need to know. The people I have included so far are the ones I trust implicitly to 1) be supportive, and 2) not share with others.

Work is my other big reason for not sharing. Everyone’s situation is different. And you might think that working in education a lot of folks would understand ADHD and be more accepting of it. But there is plenty of ignorance to go around, even in public education, and I have worked for some employers who might screen you out of the application process because your name came up associated with ADHD on a Google search. It’s not ethical, but I know it happens.

The last reason I can think of is just a lack of preparedness on my own part. This whole thing is so new to me still and I’m working on figuring out so much still. When I do start sharing more broadly, I want to be able to do so with knowledge and confidence.

Why should you increase your circle of trust?

The first and easiest reason to share is if there’s a real need. When I first started taking meds, I was worried about what side effects might start showing up, and more specifically, that I might not notice some changes in myself. So I found one person at work who I trust and shared with them that I have ADHD and was beginning medication for it. They have been a valuable resource to me as I began meds and have had meds adjustments. Also in this group of “others who need to know” I would typically include adults who live with you and medical professionals who treat you.

You may find that you have a real need to disclose that you have ADHD to your employer or to your school or university. This would be if you require workplace or educational accommodations because ADHD significantly impacts your work or academic performance. Though I have clearly seen an impact of ADHD in my work, I am trying to gauge what accommodations might be needed after I have made improvements through therapy and medication. Trying to decide if workplace accommodations are right for you? This article from CHADD is a great place to start.

The last reason to share that you have ADHD with someone is simply so that you can be truly known and hopefully understood by those around you. I don’t like feeling that I have to “hide” part of myself and I honestly look forward to the day when I can call up old friends and even old employers and share what I’ve discovered. I want to shout, “See? I found out there’s a really good reason for everything! I have ADHD!!” When I think about that day, I get goosebumps.

So why don’t I share now?

As I said, my own diagnosis is relatively new and I’m not quite ready. But beyond that, creating ADHDsurprise has given me a powerful gift. I can speak freely, honestly, and candidly about my problems. I can tell you about how my ADHD has hurt me and others in my life. How it has impacted work and home. I can share embarrassing stories and real, unfiltered examples of struggles from my life because they are not tied to me right now.

Ironically, if I put my real name on this blog, it would mean the content would become less real, or at least more guarded. I’d have to be constantly looking over my shoulder and wondering what employer, friend, or family member is reading along and takes offense or has some other problem with what I’ve posted.

So for now, I feel that I’m providing something to the ADHD community that is real and also keeps me safe. I hope one day I can simply “be” and not have to worry about it. But for now, I’m happy to share what I’m learning as I’m learning it, and I hope it helps you too.

What about you? Who have you told? Who would you like to tell? If everyone knows you have ADHD already, how does that feel? I’d love to hear from you in the comments or on Twitter.

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Looking for more great ADHD content?
Check out all of Jamie’s platforms: