March 2020 – Page 3 – ADHD surprise

How to cope with COVID-19 anxiety

TW: COVID-19, Coronavirus

I’ve struggled with writing this post because I’m struggling myself with how to cope with what’s going on all around me in relation to COVID-19. I’ve found that my ADHD has pretty much frozen me into inactivity due to anxiety with everything that’s going on. In helping to calm my own anxiety and figuring out what supports I need in place because of my ADHD, I thought I’d share those with you too, and hopefully we’ll all be better off for it. And while I’m writing with the lens of ADHD, what follows would work for anyone.

What is going on around us

We are currently surrounded by people in various states of panic. Civic leaders, neighbors, business owners…nearly everyone is in a state of heightened anxiety either directly or indirectly related to COVID-19, Coronavirus. We can see countries farther ahead in the progression of the virus. Some people are in country-wide quarantine and various states of lockdown.

Every day the local climate is changing as new directives are brought down from the leadership. Schools are closing across the nation. Restaurants and entertainment facilities are being shut down. Gatherings of 50 or more people are being prohibited in certain areas, and gatherings of fewer than 50 people may have serious restrictions.

Social media is full of images that are frightening. Long lines of people waiting outside of stores to buy toilet paper and water from empty shelves. Crowds of people being held together for hours in airports to clear security and customs checkpoints. It’s so hard to see these images. It’s easy to give in to overwhelming fear. Or to turn to anger towards leadership that lets these things happen.

But no one has planned for this. Everyone is doing the best they can to cope with a problem that is changing daily and has massive implications. The more we focus on the problems that we cannot do anything about, the more panic we will feel and the worse off we will be. With that in mind, here are the things I’m going to do to help keep myself from joining the ever-growing hysteria.

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God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
– The Serenity Prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr

~~~

What we can do about it

Let it go. As we are reminded in the serenity prayer, it’s important to accept that there are many parts of what is going on that you and I simply have no control over. Let those things go.
Follow published guidelines. Wash your hands, avoid meeting in large groups. Practice social distancing. Please. For your sake and that of those around you.
Take care of your basic needs. Make sure you have enough food, water, and other supplies to get you through a few days at least. If you’ve got a few days, then work up to a week, two weeks, etc. With food, it’s best to stock up on non-perishable items. Check your prescriptions, and if you’ve got one that needs refilling, make sure to schedule time to get it done. If you’ve got a car, make sure you’ve got plenty of gas.
Ask for help if you need it. It can be so easy to ignore our own needs, or to be too proud to ask for help if you simply cannot meet them. Many folks may be out of work because of all of the restrictions that have come out and are still coming out. If you cannot meet your own basic needs, ask for help. Start with family and friends. Then go to church or government sources if needed. Call around to local charitable organizations too. You might be surprised by how much help you will get just by asking.
Check on your family and close friends. Once you know you have your basic needs met, check on your family and close friends, even if they don’t live close to you. Connecting to your social support network will help ease anxiety in two ways, by just being able to talk with them and also because you can ease your mind regarding their welfare. You may also need to urge them to take step 3 and get help for themselves too.
Monitor your self-care. After your own basic needs, continued self-care is a must. If you’ve created your #10for20Challenge list, make sure you do something from your list daily. If you’re in a situation where you’re spending more time at home instead of going to work, consider doing several items from your list each day. This will help improve your mood and outlook. Also make sure you include time to shower, get proper sleep, drink plenty of water, and eat regularly.
Help your neighbors and community. If you have the means and can safely help in some way, reach out to your neighbors or local charitable organizations and see how you can help. When I am stuck in a bad mood and don’t know how to lift it, helping others has been a surefire cure. But again, make sure you can keep yourself safe and include proper hygiene and social distancing in any volunteering you engage in.
Create a new schedule. If your regular schedule included work or school and that has been completely disrupted, create a new schedule for yourself and/or your children. We humans thrive on routine and our minds feel calmer when there’s a plan. Make one. Start with a desired wake up and bedtime. Fill in with meals and appropriate activities in between. Remember time to be active and time for your #10for20Challenge.
When all else fails, play a game. Especially if you’re facing days or weeks of a new, unfamiliar routine that you didn’t plan for, you may find large chunks of time that you don’t know how to fill. Games are a great distraction and help to ease stress. If you’ve got kids in that scenario, consider breaking out the old board games, puzzles, or family-friendly co-op video games. Games are a great way to connect with each other and pass some time, especially if TV and movies are getting old.

So that’s my plan to start things off. The biggest struggle I’ve had related to ADHD in this mess has been a tendency to get stuck in inaction. I will take in some new bit of shocking news and just sit there in a kind of unthinking state and do nothing. Giving myself a clear path to follow, like the list above, helps to know what to do and will move me to get things done.

This whole Coronavirus thing is very overwhelming. But it will become less-so if we focus on what we can actually change. So start with what’s on this list. Figure out what you can do to improve your situation and then look to see how you can safely help others. Can you think of other things that should be on this list? Comment below or let me know on Twitter. If this has helped you, please consider sharing it with others.

We will get through this.

~~~

Looking for more great ADHD content?
Check out all of Jamie’s platforms:

ADHD, RSD, and Grief

TW: death of loved ones, grief, loss

I’ve always struggled with strong emotions. Especially related to sadness and grief. I draw the connection between stronger than normal emotions and ADHD due to the fact that ADHD includes an under-performing and/or underdeveloped prefrontal cortex (PFC). This is the logical, reasoning, executive-functioning center of the brain. So with that not working at capacity, it leaves the door open for the limbic system (which controls emotions) to play a much stronger role.

What does this look like for me?

Probably the most frequent place you’ll see this is when I’m watching movies or television or reading a book. I will react much more strongly than people around me, especially when negative things happen. I will often have tears in my eyes and sometimes break out into uncontrollable sobs. Even if a story is just kinda sad I may sit there with a lump in my throat, unable to speak without crying. Good examples from media that have impacted me this way would be the recent finale of The Good Place and the openings of two movies: Up, and Star Trek (2009). Each one of these brought me to tears and still do.

I also have a hard time dealing with plots where things are going very badly for the protagonist. A notable example happened while I was reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. So much awful was happening in that book: Harry was in all sorts of major troubles yet felt isolated from his friends and Dumbledore, Umbridge had taken over the school, and things continued to get more and more bleak with the return of Voldemort. My wife can tell you I nearly gave up on the book though I dearly love the series. I just can’t take that much negative without feeling overwhelmed.

What about real life?

So these examples are well and good but they really only exist because I feel these strong emotions about real-life people and events already. I have been working with my therapist quite a bit on this lately, because there are some events in my life that I’m definitely not over yet, though years have gone by. I’ve come to the realization that I don’t necessarily have to get over them either, but I am still left trying to figure out what to do with all these feelings.

My grandma Mary died 5 years ago today, but I still feel the grief associated with her passing as acutely as if it happened yesterday. She loved me more than anyone else ever has, and in a way no one else ever has. Grandma’s love was unconditional. And absolutely so. I was always welcome with her. I was always safe with her. I knew I would always be so. She cared about what was going on with me. She would ask about books I was reading and would read them herself. She wrote letters to me and taped hockey games for me. Whenever there was an important event in my life, she was there, every time. After she passed we found she had saved every letter I’d written her. Ever.

I love her so much.

I think of her often. Nearly every day. I try not to think of her deeply though, because when I focus on her, I am reminded of the depth of the loss that I feel and I will quickly fall into a wet, teary mess–just as I am while writing this post. I have put reminders of her all through my house. These include: blue plastic cups and monogrammed silverware from her house, angel figurines that I had once bought for her, and a map of Ireland that I bought at an Irish family history conference–a conference I attended because after her death I became hyperfocused on researching my Irish roots, which came through her family line.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 16 years. During the first 6 years I came to know a wonderful man, my wife’s grandfather, Eugene. He was so kind. He always showed genuine interest in what we were doing and I felt as welcome in his home as one of his own grandchildren. When he passed away in 2010, it was a huge blow to his entire family. We of course went to the well-attended funeral. During the eulogy, I was overtaken by grief and broke down into embarrassing, uncontrollable sobs which I could not stop. I was so loud, and sitting right in the middle of one of those long church pews in the center of the chapel. There was no way to get up and leave, and my wife was doing all she could to quiet me down as she processed her own grief.

I couldn’t understand what was going on. Yes, he was a great man. But it didn’t make sense to me why I was feeling this grief so intensely and outwardly. It was more visible (or at least much louder) than reactions from his own wife, children, grandchildren…more than anyone else in that chapel. I couldn’t keep it under control. I don’t think I’ve cried so hard in my entire life, before or since.

So why did I have such a strong reaction to his death? And why have I continued to struggle with the grief related to my grandmother’s passing, even 5 years later?

I think RSD is the key.

If you’re not familiar with RSD, the basic idea is that you perceive rejection, even when it isn’t there. So where there’s disagreement, you may read confrontation. Where there’s a helpful tip for improvement, you may hear criticism. Many ADHDers experience RSD symptoms and it is believed that they are taught through experience: as we have suffered so much rejection throughout our lives, we begin to anticipate it everywhere.

What’s the relation then?

When it comes to moves, television, and books? I think I simply pick up on the stress, anxiety, and strong emotions of anger and sadness expressed in the lives of the protagonists in the stories. I am acutely acquainted with these frustrations and emotions in my own life and my empathy response simply cries out when I see even fictional suffering.

When it comes to those real-life losses, I think I have an explanation for that too. It’s admittedly a very small sample (2) but I’ll hope that you as the reader might chime in and let me know if you feel that I’m on the right track. I believe the passing of these two amazing people hit me the hardest because they never triggered my RSD. Ever. They both loved me unconditionally. They were always safe.

So it hurt the most to lose them.

Everyone else in my life has either been too distant to matter in this way or they have hurt me somehow. Well, enough at least that my RSD is wary around them and I have to be at least somewhat on-guard. It was never so with Mary or Eugene. Seeing either of them was like a ship entering the safe harbor from the raging, stormy sea. I could drop my guard and just be loved for who I was. Period.

If you’ve got people in your life like my grandmother and my wife’s grandfather, please do all you can to cherish your time with them and enjoy your relationship with them as much as you possibly can. Call them. Visit them. Write them letters. Tell them how much you love them and thank them for loving you in a way that few know how to.

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Looking for more great ADHD content?
Check out all of Jamie’s platforms:

ADHD Voices: Laura

My name is Laura. I was born in Japan, grew up in Texas, moved to Utah to attend Brigham Young University and didn’t leave. Leave Utah, that is. I have a degree in English Language and a minor in Editing, which I mostly use to tell self-described English experts that Shakespeare’s English sounded more like Captain Barbosa than Captain Picard. I am also married and have two children.

I have ADHD, and here is my story *insert Law and Order dun dun.*

Talk to me

For starters, I didn’t talk until I was 3 ½ years old as the result of ear infections. Because I was speech delayed, I received special education services through my school district. I had speech therapy from preschool until I was in second grade. In second grade, I was struggling in the normal large classroom setting and I was placed in Resource (small group classes) for specific subjects. Honestly, the fact I was struggling in my normal classroom for those subjects should have been a clue, but it was all (understandably) swept under the “speech delayed” rug.

I had teachers call me a daydreamer. I also kept a messy desk. More clues. I still remember my second grade teacher dumping the contents of my desk into my lap when I was struggling to find a pencil for the spelling test. With enough guidance and engagement, I did quite well in school, especially in my Resource classes. In fact, I was transitioned out of the Resource program in fifth grade when it was decided that I was doing well enough.

Then I started struggling again. Mostly I struggled with verbal instructions from the teacher. I would get in trouble for not paying attention, when I really was. I also got in trouble for forgetting small supplies, losing papers, or not getting something signed. In fact, my fifth grade teacher once kept me inside for recess for an entire week because I didn’t get a spelling paper signed. Let’s just say my second and fifth grade teachers were not very nice people.

Silence isn’t always golden

My family moved into an inner city school district the summer before I started seventh grade. That school district didn’t care about my history, which was kind of a blessing because I could have a fresh start. This district already had its own problems with behavior, overcrowding, and finances.

I became “the quiet kid” and the teachers LOVED me. All I did was behave myself and do my work. There came a point after I got to high school when I decided I wanted to try a few advanced placement classes because my regular classes seemed too easy, and I wanted to look good for college applications.

Ooooh boy did I get in over my head. You know how my “quiet kid” label was good for regular classes? Well, in these advanced classes, you actually got graded for how much you contributed to class discussions! Sometimes for as much as a test grade. WHAAAAAT????? This…was not ideal. Somehow I did enough to get passing grades, but I certainly didn’t excel.

There was also the note taking. I had a hard time paying attention to the teacher and taking notes. How do you take notes when a teacher is talking? What do you write down? How do you decide what’s important enough to write down? These are just a few of the thoughts that went through my head when trying to take notes. Let’s just say I could never be a court stenographer.

Put your shoulder to the wheel

College was another beast. I struggled. A lot. I had more than one college professor say, “You’re clearly smart, what the heck is going on?!” I had no explanation. I started going to the college counseling center, where I was sort of diagnosed with anxiety. I got talk therapy for two years, and I guess it was better than nothing. Did I mention that I got on Academic Warning not once, but TWICE?! I struggled with time management and getting my priorities straight. Also again, the note taking problem.

“Laura, you’re better than this!” I would tell myself. I would also wonder, “But…am I really better than this? Maybe I am just stupid.” My friends and roommates also commented on my ability to completely zone out, like I was in my own little world. Especially when I was using my computer.

I somehow managed to graduate from college in four years with under-treated depression and anxiety, and undiagnosed ADHD. My GPA was pretty bad and I had been in academic trouble more than once. How did I manage to graduate? Extreme stubbornness, most likely. I also got married the day after I graduated. Yup, I did that.

The next few years were one struggle after another. Partly because of the Recession, and also because I do not interview well AT ALL, it took me nearly a year to find a job, only to get laid off a few months later. Despite living in a small, one-bedroom apartment and having no children to chase after (except for the boy I nannied for a time), I still couldn’t seem to keep a consistent cleaning schedule and clutter was a problem. This was on top of adjusting to married life and everything that came with it. I finally started taking antidepressants during my first pregnancy, which helped.

When my first daughter was almost two years old, I decided to go back to therapy. This time, I found out I had moderate depression, severe anxiety, and symptoms of PTSD. I started doing EMDR, which honestly was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I was able to make peace with some things and I was better able to manage my depression and anxiety. I also believe that this got me into a place to eventually accept that I have ADHD.

Despite the psychotherapy and antidepressants, I still struggled with basic daily living. Housekeeping was still an unending battle and the clutter was still taking over. I could have a really good day/week where I would be on top of everything, and then I would fall into a deep depression where I couldn’t do anything. Now I know that those “good” days were actually me forcing a lot of energy into doing the things.

While my daughters were loved and cared for, establishing and enforcing consistent boundaries were my weaknesses. I vacillated between being overly permissive or overly strict. I thought it was just my anxiety and depression, it didn’t occur to me that there was something else.

You think I have what?

My mom was the one who suggested that I look into getting diagnosed with ADHD, noting our extensive family history. I have a brother who was diagnosed with ADHD during childhood because (a) he was clearly “hyper” and (b) young boys in the 1990s were more likely to get diagnosed than girls. Several members of my extended family (even going back generations) have symptoms of ADHD as well, though few have been diagnosed.

At first I scoffed. How could I possibly have ADHD? I’m not hyper! I have depression and anxiety! Out of curiosity, however, I decided to do some Googling. The more I read, especially by and about women with ADHD, the more I saw myself. “Wait a minute, could it be ADHD?!”

So began my search for someone who could test and treat me (if I did indeed have it). Then there was actually making an appointment and then GOING to the appointment. I was so nervous that I wouldn’t be taken seriously because of the stories of women having a harder time getting diagnosed. I was also worried about being accused of drug seeking, since many of the drugs used to treat ADHD are controlled substances.

I feel incredibly fortunate that I was taken seriously. Both by my nurse midwife, who told me her husband had just been diagnosed himself and by the psychiatric nurse practitioner who evaluated me. The moment the words “Yes, you have symptoms of inattentive ADHD” were uttered, I felt so much relief. My entire life made so much more sense! I wasn’t lazy, stupid, or crazy…I had ADHD!

However, there was also a grieving process of sorts. Missed opportunities, my failures and shortcomings, damaged friendships, etc. Also the anger over not being diagnosed sooner, but I try to remind myself that I grew up in the 1990s, and the phrase “it was the 90s, we didn’t know anything” applies.

What happens now?

I am currently taking medication for ADHD. We’ve had to tweak it a bit, but now I am seeing how good life can be. I am learning more and more about my diagnosis, and how I can better live my life with my diagnosis rather than fighting against it. My house is getting cleaner. I can honestly say that I am a much happier person.

Of course, I know that medication doesn’t always work for everyone. Even people who are related. Remember the brother I mentioned earlier? He tried all the available ADHD drugs in the 1990s (stimulants, mostly), but the side effects were much worse than the actual ADHD. As a result, he went unmedicated for about two decades. In the last few years, he has gotten on a non-stimulant drug that has been great for him. Me? I’m on an extended release stimulant that is working great.

My point is, no two ADHD cases are alike. Sure there are the common traits, but everyone manifests them differently. If you’ve met one person with ADHD, you have met ONE person with ADHD. I personally don’t exhibit a lot of the stereotypical traits of someone who has it, which I will elaborate on at another time.

In conclusion….

If you suspect that you or someone close to you has symptoms of ADHD, I would look further into it. If it’s for say, a loved one, approach the matter with sensitivity. Respect their choices and be supportive.

If it’s you, be kind to yourself. You are not defective–your brain just works differently, and that’s OKAY. If you are worried about taking medication, I would like to gently remind you that it’s no different than needing insulin for diabetes or an inhaler for asthma. It’s a tool to help improve your quality of life.

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If you’d like to connect with Laura, she can be found as
@adhd_curl on Twitter and @curlymamaonabudget on Instagram

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ADHD Voices is a series dedicated to sharing the stories of folks like you and me who have ADHD. Posts in the series are written by guest authors, sharing windows into their lives and struggles, written by them, for you and me. If you’d like to share your story, please contact me on social media or through my email, ADHDsurprise @ gmail.com

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Looking for more great ADHD content?
Check out all of Jamie’s platforms:

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